Polygamy: A Perspective

In a 2005 study of the effects of polygamy upon Arab women, an Egyptian psychiatrist arrived at the conclusion that there should be a clinical classification for symptoms attributed to the practice of polygamy. Lotfy A.M. Al-Sherbiny, Ph.D., author of The Case of the First Wife in Polygamy, has found that many women fall victim to identical somatic and psychological symptoms when exposed to the practice of polygamy and proposes that there be a classification called “first wife syndrome” as a way of diagnosing and treating such women. Although her study was based on Arab women and the findings are thus Arab culture specific, one cannot ignore the ramifications of such findings and how they can in effect impact practices within Western civilization and the Muslim world.

Personally, upon encountering Al-Sherbiny’s report, I was filled with relief, hope and a growing excitement. The fact that another woman would care enough to delve into such an area for study was touching and liberating – inspiring because of the doors such a study can open for the psychological health of women, especially Muslim women.

Women have undeniably lived with mental health ailments throughout the twentieth century, most of them suffering silently through the effects of bad marriages, economic injustices and physical/mental abuse. And although the West, particularly the Women’s Rights movement of the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s in the U.S. can be credited as having been a leader in terms of seeking that women be liberated from the pain and shame of mental illness and abuse, fewer gains have been made in the behalf of the female populations of poorer nations, if modern western media is to be believed. Whether what the news reports is true or not, a study such as this has emerged and to discover such a find and not share it would be a blunder on my part.

I first need to point out that in terms of polygamy, I have unfortunately found that most women when asked about it react with disdain, disrespect or outright anger, rarely taking the time to try and understand why a woman may choose to practice polygamy or to see any good that may be inherent within it.

I can certainly attest that unless one has embarked upon a journey as a polygamous wife it can be very difficult to put oneself into the shoes of another that has made such choices. From my own perspective, I can imagine the pain it may cause a woman to visualize living in a polygamous household, especially in the West because of the images that we are constantly bombarded with professing to define womanhood for us; but the fact nevertheless remains that a significant percentage of women, whether by choice or circumstance, is familiar with aspects of sharing a spouse or significant other.

For instance, there has been a new development in recent years within popular American culture, particularly urban pop culture with the advent of the “baby daddy” and “baby mama;” terms that refer to estranged or absent parents that do not participate as an official spouse but that function within the family unit nonetheless. Cultural norms have now emerged where it becomes necessary for individuals to identify and interact with one another in a new way due to the increasing numbers of children within society that are born out of wedlock or subject to divorce and re-marriage.

These circumstances often require individuals to interact in ways that are similar to the ways in which polygamous households function for the sake of the children involved. We even have spin offs such as “baby mama/daddy drama, ” that alludes to the stress and anxiety involved in interacting with the mother/father of the children of one’s former spouse or significant other.
If we were to analyze the prevalent social norms in modern American society we would not be able to ignore the fact that we do indeed deal more directly with aspects of polygamy and bigamy than we would expect from within the constructs of a “monogamous Christian society.” The Bible after all contains several narratives of polygamous marriages within the Old Testament, and the Judeo-Christian tradition is not without it’s own history of polygamous marriages throughout the ages.

All this to say that regardless of one’s opinion concerning whether polygamy is right or wrong, it cannot be denied that analyzing the effect that polygamy has on women’s minds and their psychological health is an important and commendable accomplishment. Whether I believe polygamy is good or bad becomes insignificant in light of what women are going through psychologically because of a lack of understanding and support from the medical profession.

Al-Sherbiny documents that, at least within the confines of Arab culture, women of a certain demographic and social status tend to practice polygamy more than others. This alone provides an excellent opportunity to endorse literacy and education throughout the Muslim world, especially quality religious education so that women can be cognizant of their rights in polygamy according to Islam. This can not only alleviate the symptoms that women tend to experience but also to elevate her social status.

The study states, “following Islamic principles and adhering to the rules surrounding polygamy can minimize or eliminate side effects.” So while providing treatment to prevalent symptoms, education in the form of literacy and religious teaching can also treat the greater social condition of women and thus assist the family structure as a whole.

I am obviously extremely excited about this study and much respect goes out to Dr. Al-Sherbiny. I pray that women around the globe continue to emerge as leaders and advocates for one another in the struggles for justice and the establishment of human rights. We are all trustees upon this earth and it is our duty to do our best to be worthy of such a trust.

With peace and blessings for you and yours!


Relevant Reading:
Scriptures: Listed by Chapter and Verse

Wives in the Qur’an:
2:187, 2:223, 4:3, 4:19-21, 4:129, 13:38, 23:6, 24:6-9, 33:37, 37:22, 40:8, 43:70, 60:10-11, 64:14, 66:10-11, 70:30

Wife in the Bible:
Gen.2:24, Prov.18:22, 19:14, Hos.1:2, Mark 10:11, Luke 14:20, 17:32, Eph.5:33, Titus 1:6, Rev.21:9

Wives in the Bible:
Eph.5:25, 1Tim 3:11



Matriarchs in Polygamous Structures:

Qur’an: Sarah, 11:71, Hajar 14:37;

Bible: Sarah, Gen.11:29, 18:15, 21:12, 23:1+2, 19, 49:31, Heb.11:11, 1Pet.3:5+6, Hagar Gen.16:1-16, Keturah Gen.25:1, 4, 1Chr. 1:32, 33, Leah Gen.29:16-32, 30:9-20, 31:4, 31:14, 33:1-7, Rachel Gen.29:6-31, 31:34, 35:16-24, Matt.2:18, Zilpah Gen.30:9, Bilah Gen.29:29, 30:7, 35:22, 35:25, Zipporah Ex.2:21, 4:25, 18:2, The Ethiopian Woman (Moses’ Wife) Num.12:1, Hannah 1Sam.1:2, 1Sam.2:1-11, 2:31, Peninnah 1Sam.1:2, Michal 1Sam.14:49, 18:17-28, 19:11-17, 2Sam.3:13, 3:14, 6:1-23, Abigail 1Sam. 25:39-41, Ahinoam 1Sam.25:43-44, David’s wives 2Sam.3:2-5, 2Sam.5:13-16, Bathsheba 2Sam.11:3, 12:24, 1King.1:11, 2:13, 2:18-19, Pharoah’s Daughter (Solomon’s Wife) 1King.7:8, Solomon’s Wives 1King.11:3


Polygamy and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh):

Wives of the Prophet:
1)Khadija bin Khuailid, 2)Sawda bint Zam’a, 3)Aisha bint Abu Bakr, 4)Hafsa bint ‘Umar, 5)Zainab bint Khuzaimah, 6)Umm Salama, 7)Umm Habiba, 8)Zaynab bint Jahsh, 9)Safiyya bint Huyay, 10)Juayriya bint al-Harith, Maymuna

Polygamy: The Qur’an Restricts the Number to Four
Abu Dawud: al-Harith ibn Qays said, “I embraced Islam while I had eight wives. When I mentioned that to the Prophet (pbuh), he said, “choose only four of them.”

Tirmidhi: Abdullah ibn ‘Umar said, “Abu Ghaylan ibn Salama ath-Thaqafi embraced Islam and he had ten wives whom he had married during the pre-Islamic period. His wives also embraced Islam with him. Thereupon, the Prophet (pbuh) commanded him to choose only four of them.”

Marriage:
Sahih Sunan Abi Dawud: vol.1, pg.358: “Fear Allah concerning women, for you have them under Allah’s security, and you have the right to sexual intercourse with them by Allah’s word. You have the right to expect from them that they do not bring into your houses anyone whom you dislike. But if they do that, then strike them lightly, without violence. They, on the other hand, have the right to expect from you that you feed and clothe them reasonably.”

Tirmidhi: “What kind of wealth should be sought?” He replied: “Each one of you should seek a thankful heart, a mindful tongue, and a believing wife who will help each of you in the matter of the Hereafter.”

Women and Fasting During Ramadan

O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that ye may (learn) self-restraint,-
2:183

Ramadan is fast approaching and when I reflect on the words Women and Ramadan, my mind conjures images of early morning meals prepared with careful hands sometimes made clumsy by sleepiness; images of fajr salaat prayed in congregation within the sheltered warmth of family and home.

The Qur’an says in Surah 2 ayah 185, “Ramadan is the (month) in which was sent down the Qur'an, as a guide to mankind, also clear (Signs) for guidance and judgment (between right and wrong). So every one of you who is present (at his home) during that month should spend it in fasting, but if any one is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed period (should be made up) by days later. Allah intends every facility for you; He does not want to put to difficulties. (He wants you) to complete the prescribed period, and to glorify Him in that He has guided you; and perchance ye shall be grateful.”

When we remember that Ramadan is the month during which the Qur’an was sent down as a guide to mankind we are better able to know what to seek and what to expect from fasting during this time. We know that we can expect guidance and clear signs. We can expect improved judgment between right and wrong and we know that we should seek to glorify Allah Ta’aala and be grateful to Him in that He has guided us.

In addition, as women we can rest in the knowledge that we are permitted to equally partake in the guidance and blessings of this blessed month. Throughout history women have been prohibited in many cases from being able to participate fully in religious traditions that have been primarily reserved for men, but in Islam we are invited and required to practice the tenets of our religion completely.

We read in Surah 33 ayah 35, “For Muslim men and women,- for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in Charity, for men and women who fast (and deny themselves), for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise,- for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.”

And anyone familiar with the Women’s Rights Movement can appreciate the blessings of having the above-mentioned declarations laid out so clearly in a book of authority!

As I anticipate this blessed month of Ramadan my heartbeat quickens and I cannot help but celebrate in the mercy of God, Allah, subhanu’wa’ta’aala, for His having sent His Guidance and Light to mankind! May His peace and blessings be upon His holy Prophets and Messengers and may their reward be great!

May you and your families enjoy many special blessings during the Holy Month of Ramadan and may your fasts be accepted!

With Peace from your sister in Islam and the Mindworks family!

Ramadan is said to start on September 1, 2008 in North America but you can click here to find the date where you are!

To learn more about Ramadan see the following links:
Wikipedia’s Explanation
Submission.Org’s Explanation
Ramadan Info at Jannah.Org
Ramadan and Islam.Org

Book Review: Living Islam Outloud, American Muslim Women Speak

Living Islam Outloud, American Muslim Women Speak
Edited By Saleemah Abdul-Ghafur

“This anthology is about women who don’t remember a time when they weren’t both American and Muslim,” writes Saleemah Abdul-Ghafur in the introduction to Living Islam Out loud, American Muslim Women Speak and ones does not have to agree with all of the ideas put forth in this book to recognize it as important to modern discourse. Saleemah Abdul-Ghafur presents some of her own reflections on being Muslim in America as well as those of fifteen other Muslim women authors in a way that is both compelling and inspirational.
The overall message I came away with from the book was one of empowerment, liberation from the constraints of cultural traditions posing as Islam, and that of women being entitled to worship God free of the restraints and influence of others, a message that I found to be refreshing in it’s candor and honesty. This book attempts to address and expose prevalent issues in Islam as we practice it every day while remaining, for the most part, within the fold of Islam. There are stories of sisters who are pious and secure in their faith and there are also stories of sisters who are not secure or who have re-discovered their piety and faith, which I believe accurately reflects the diversity within the Muslim community and depicts Islam as the journey that it is rather than merely as a habitual religious tradition.
Sister Abdul-Ghafur writes, “The truth is that some Muslim women, both in the United States and abroad, are in fact oppressed in many ways and do not live self-determined lives. The truth is also that many Muslim women live powerful lives sourced from the freedom granted to us by God. No longer can mainstream institutions and individuals continue to paint Islam with the broad brush of rigidity, chauvinism, and antiquated notions.” Although it is questionable whether mainstream institutions and individuals cannot paint Islam with a broad brush, as I continue to witness some institutions and individuals attempting to do just that, I completely agree that Muslim women can no longer be stereotyped in the ways that they have been in the past.
I enjoyed the diversity in perspectives most within the anthology. The reader is able to witness the unique mixture of experiences that is the lives of Muslim women in America while gaining insight into the issues that matter most to us in the day to day practice of Islam. Sister Abdul-Ghafur writes, “Over the past three years, I traveled around the nation and listened to the issues facing American Muslim women, which I have grouped as follows: intersecting identities, hijab, relationships, culture juxtaposed to Islam, sex and sexuality, activism, and spirituality. The essays in this anthology examine these issues through first-person accounts.”
The book is consequently organized into four major sections. Section One, Crossroads, deals primarily with growing up Muslim in the United States and the challenges that Muslimah’s face in forming their cultural identity. Section Two, Love, addresses marriage, love, sex and sexuality. Section Three, The Strongest of Faith, addresses Islam in modernity with an emphasis on activism and Section Four, Soul Journeys, deals primarily with spirituality.
The authors artfully weave their own experiences and expressions of Islam into these meaningful issues to form a tightly woven tapestry of Muslim American womanhood, revealing both the beauty and the struggle contained therein.
There are ideas such as the one described by Yousra Y. Fazili in her essay, Fumbling Toward Ecstasy, where she writes, “Hijab was not a symbol of repression – sexual or otherwise. To the contrary, it enabled a unique sort of freedom,” an empowering and inspirational moment in the book relating the sentiments that many of the sisters I’ve known have come to embrace. However, not all sisters feel that way about Hijab and their views are also represented within the anthology. Sister Abdul-Ghafur does well in ensuring that many of the varying perspectives of American Muslim women are represented throughout the work.
An example that I found was that of two sisters and their descriptions of marriage. One sister, Manal Omar, in My Own Worst Enemy, writes about her marriage and the choices she made in choosing a husband by stating, “Looking back in hindsight, it is evident that most of the absolute values that I chose to live by over the years stemmed from the misinterpretation and misapplication of both my religion and my culture, which admittedly at times are not in synch.” In her instance her family and the cultural norms and traditions she grew up embracing effected her decisions for marrying and she ultimately chose to divorce.
In contrast, however, another sister, Asia Sharif-Clark, in Marrying A Believer, writes about marriage describing it from a different perspective. She relates, “Getting married required arrangements, but staying married required strategy,” eluding more to the mental and spiritual adjustments she had to make in order to maintain the success of her marriage.
There are many lovely and meaningful narratives within this anthology as well as a few disturbing and heart-wrenching accounts of life as a Muslim woman in America, they all come together in the end however to paint a picture of Islam and women that I am pleased and excited to be a part of.
A piece that stood out to me personally is titled A Day in the Life, a poem written by Su’ad Abdul-Khabeer. She writes:
“My mind fumbles for words
So my soul may speak.
Labbayka allahuma labbayk
I surrender.
Labbayka allahuma labbayk
I submit.
Labbayka allahuma labbayk
I am captivated.”
I also often find myself uttering labbayka allahuma labbayk, desiring nothing more than the complete surrender of myself to Him alone and the beautiful peace I find there, and captivated is the perfect word to describe how I often feel during those moments. It is worship of Allah, subhanu wa ta’aala, that transcends nationality and cultural identity and pieces such as this one make this work significant not only to American Muslim women, but to Muslims in general as we journey on the path to complete submission to Allah Ta’aala.
“My overall intention for this book is to humanize American Muslim women to our fellow citizens of the world,” wrote Abdul-Ghafur, an intention that I believe was eloquently fulfilled.